[Names of houses aside from Chi Omega have been omitted and names of women have been changed for anonymity.]
Day 4:
After waking to the beautiful morning sunlight filtering through the window, and feeling absolutely fantastic, I rolled out of bed and padded downstairs to the kitchen.
“Coffee?” Patty asked.
Banana bread AND coffee?! How much better could this place get?!
Patty made me a coffee from her Keurig and put 4 pumps of Starbucks white chocolate sauce in it. No milk or cream or anything. I’ve never had coffee without milk but for some reason it was honestly one of the best cups of coffee I’ve ever had, or maybe I just felt a lot better being out of my dorm room. She even gave it to me in a UW mug. (Adorable.)
“Do you feel better?” She asked honestly.
“So much better. It’s just such a negative environment there you know? All the girls are just constantly comparing the houses and the reputations and comparing their schedules and it’s just so much.” I rolled my eyes.
“Yeah,” she said, “that is really tough. Since I was able to commute for rush I never had to deal with all that, so I think getting away was really good for you. I know you’ll be fine, and you’re gonna love your new home.”
I stretched like a cat on the kitchen stool. “Honestly, I feel like I can do anything now.” And that wasn’t a lie.
After my coffee, and a few more stories from Patty’s time in her sorority, we hugged and I was on my way back to campus.
Then, after taking my sweet time doing my makeup, I found myself staring up at my first house of the day, Chi O. Since I wasn’t really partial to any of the houses before, I had the same amount of anxiety before entering each house, which, even though I made it seem like a lot, was pretty mild for me. But now, since I knew I liked this house, the stakes were much higher, and although I tried my best at every house I went to, now I was on edge, knowing I had to be purposeful in what I said because I really wanted to be here. Everything I said had to be perfect and flawless and I had to make them love me, because I have to keep this house on my schedule all the way to Bid Day, and then I’ll be fine!
When my time came to enter the house the girl that picked me up was so pretty! Tall and tan and dressed in a bold fuchsia dress. She was also super enthusiastic and kept the conversation going smoothly as we walked through the house. Eventually she asked me to tell her something unique about me, and I went with my go-to. “Well, my dad is Hawaiian.”
And I swear to God, I have never met someone that was more excited that I was Hawaiian in my entire life. I tell people this fact all the time, because I’m proud of it (even though I'm relatively pale), but usually people are just like ‘oh that’s cool.’
But this girl, man, she was so pumped. She was like “NO WAY?! I’M HAWAIIAN TOO! I’M FROM HAWAII!”
I felt bad because I had to break it to her that I’ve never lived there, but she didn’t even care, she was still stoked I had Hawaiian blood. “I NEVER MEET OTHER PEOPLE THAT ARE HAWAIIAN!”
Every time we passed one of her sisters in the hallway, she almost shouted “Hey Amelia, look!” She would point at me excitedly like that one picture of Will Smith pointing at Jada Pinkett Smith. “She’s Hawaiian too! Isn’t that cool!?”
The sisters would usually laugh a little or genuinely think it was interesting and say “Oh cool!”
Even though it was a little crazy, and no one had ever responded this way, I was really flattered. I felt so special. Since I don’t look very exotic, I feel like people usually just disregard me when I say I'm Hawaiian, but not this time.
After the house tour was over, we sat in the living room and chatted some more before a girl came to tag team her out. But as she was leaving, I wanted to make sure I made a great impression on her, so I decided to suddenly tell her I really liked her necklace (it said aloha or something related to Hawaii on it). This may seem small to most, but for someone who has such anxiety talking to strangers, fitting such a tiny complement in there was challenging to me. She said thank you, and I hoped I wasn’t coming off as too much (I was though), because I REALLY wanted to make a lasting impression.
“It was so nice to meet you, Allyson,” she said, standing up, “I hope I’ll see you tomorrow!”
“I hope so, too!” I said with a smile, my heart soaring. Did that mean I did good? Did that mean I made it?
I was sure that nothing in this game was certain, and I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but delicate heart took it as a great sign anyways.
After a few more houses that day, house tours was over, and I went back to my dorm to watch an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race (comedy is the only way to keep morale up) and go the fuck to sleep. Since the days still started at noon (praise the Lord) I wanted to try and get as much sleep as I could.
That night, even though I thought I was feeling more confident, I ended up barely sleeping at all, which is something I never do. While I notoriously go to bed late, I always sleep soundly, the few hours I do sleep. And you would think, with all the stress of the week, I would easily fall asleep. But our room had poor air conditioning, and between the heat and my worries, I spent the night in a horrendous half-sleep/half-awake state, tossing and turning. In my weird nightmarish/awake state I was reciting the names of all of UW’s sororities over and over again in my head. It was such a strange nightmare because there was no characters or setting or anything, just the words, the Greek letters that made up the names of all the sororities at UW, those that I still did have a chance with and those that I didn’t, all mixed together, running through my mind like a never ending list. It was torture. It was scary. It was most likely one of the worst (and weirdest) nights of sleep that I've ever had.
Day 5:
When I woke in the morning, I was not only exhausted but I was frightened. I rarely have nightmares, and whenever I do it usually means something bad is about to happen. I know that sounds stupid, but I kind of believe it's true.
But, I tried to regain the calm I was channeling yesterday as I got ready. I put my makeup on confidently and pulled my dress out of the closet. The name of the game with recruitment outfits is that the outfits get gradually more formal leading up to Preference, and today is Philanthropy, the day before Preference. I had this incredible dress picked out for today that I absolutely loved. It was expensive, (I rarely buy expensive clothes) high quality. I had bought it for swing dancing but ended up never wearing it. I was pumped.
I sat in the classroom waiting for my name to be called, and my heart was racing so fast I thought I was going to throw up. I had no idea what was going to happen. I only had 8 houses last round, and we can only have up to 8 today, so if any of them dropped me, I wouldn’t have a full schedule. (My RC’s told me completely full schedules aren’t actually that common, but once would be nice wouldn’t it?)
When the RC finally hands me my schedule, my stomach flops so hard I actually thought I was going to vomit up all the food I hadn’t been eating that week, right there on the cobblestones of UW’s beautiful campus.
Chi Omega was gone.
And, upon further examination, the other house I liked, my plan B, was also gone.
One other house I hadn't really liked had also dropped me, leaving me with a total of 5 houses.
But I couldn’t have given less of a shit about the numbers at this point. Chi Omega was gone, and it wasn’t coming back.
As you probably realize, once a house doesn’t appear on your schedule, that’s it. You’ve been voted off the island. You are never going back. Adios!
You could know for a FACT you would be a great fit at this house, you could be SURE they somehow made a mistake, you could be SURE some horrible accident must’ve happened when they were entering their data, but there is nothing you can do. There is no crying or screaming or fighting or arguing your case.
Chi Omega was gone, and I knew there was no chance that it was magically coming back.
There is no way, I thought. This isn’t possible.
But, no matter how much I read the little piece of paper over and over again it was gone.
I felt like every sad, melancholy Mumford & Sons song was playing in my head. I felt like I should give up right then and run back to Tumwater with my tail between my legs.
But I couldn’t do that. Patty said it would be okay, right? She said the system works, and I’ll find the home that’s meant for me! I should trust her! I should trust everyone; my cousin, my RC’s, KJ McNamara, everyone that knows how this works.
Like a robot I took out my phone and texted my mom 'Chi O is gone.' It hurt to even type, I couldn't imagine saying it out loud. 'So is the other one.'
I didn't have much time to think, but I didn't want to be a baby and just give up. Plus there wasn't much time until my first house of the day. Luckily it was close by, I started the trek over there.
I honestly don't even really remember if I held it together well at that house or not, the morning was a blur of disbelief and sadness.
As soon as my first event was over, I went to go visit my RC’s again, just to shoot the breeze before lunch, and found them outside a house on a street corner.
“Hey, how are you doing?” Cara asked.
“Eh,” I shrugged, knowing if I said anything more I might burst into tears. “I’m just thinking about lunch.”
“Yeah, what are you gonna do for lunch?”
“Probably go to Chipotle, I love crying into my guacamole.”
She laughed. “Hey, Ellie and I were thinking of going to Chipotle too, that’s funny.”
"Oh no way?!"
"Yeah," Cara said. "You wanna come?"
"Sure!" I thought they were just joking. These are seniors and juniors in college, and I'm just a freshman. Plus isn't that against some sort of NPC rule anyways, kickin' it with your RC's? "I mean, really?"
"Yeah, I mean you already know what houses we're in, what else could we accidentally tell you that's a secret?"
“Awesome, I’m totally down!” I said. I couldn’t tell if I was more excited or intimidated. The fact that the RC’s liked me enough to allow me to go to lunch with them made me feel good, but I was also terrified. These are upperclassmen, seasoned sorority women. I could easily say something weird or stupid and ruin their impression of me. But I guess since I’m so worried about rush already their impression of me must not be super great anyways.
At Chipotle I had a really good time with them. We had a really nice, very real conversation about recruitment. It was interesting and enlightening to hear their opinions of it with what they could tell us. They also made me feel very welcomed by telling me stories of their lives in their houses. Having a good laugh at drunk stories was refreshing. While we were there I got a snapchat from a guy I used to flirt with in high school thats a few years older than me and has been going to UW. I told them the story about how I met him in FBLA but then thought he was really weird, and Ellie was like “OMG I THINK I KNOW HIM,” and upon showing them the picture, they told me his name, his frat, and their opinions of him. While it was a super random interaction, it was one of the first times I felt like UW was the right place to be. Making these connections with people made the world feel a little more comfortable and connected, and I was starting to feel at home.
Feeling much more positive, I was able to calm down enough going back into rush to rethink my list. I brought it back out and stared at it intently. Weighing my options with what I’ve experienced at each house I had left and the fuzzy, pathetic grasp I had on their reputations, I decided on a new number 1 (which would technically be number 3 if we counted the ones that I wanted that dropped me but who’s being negative?) and a new number 2-ish, and sadly I was so desperate I decided this one based on the house’s closeness to campus, which felt like an all time low to me.
But it made me feel better to have a plan, so I went through the rest of the day a little more stable. At my new number 1 I had a great experience. I mean, it was a little awkward, but I met an actual film major, so that was cool! I was slowly starting to see myself there and I hoped I left a good impression.
A few houses later though, I was starting to get inside my head again. Negative, self-deprecating thoughts were running rampant in my brain and I couldn’t help but think of what could’ve been, what could I have done to do better, for more houses to like me? What did I do wrong? Why can’t I ever know?
I was angry and frustrated, and I was so heartbroken that Chi O dropped me. I was about to enter my new second choice, but my mind was getting the best of me and by the time I went inside I was mentally and emotionally tapped out. I was very quiet, and after all the effort and not much to show for it, I guess I was just done. By the second or third girl I talked to in the house, tears were welling in my eyes and I kept looking up at their ceiling to keep them from falling. They probably thought I was insane but I was about ready to run out of the house and straight back to Tumwater.
That night I told my mom I wasn’t sure I was going to finish the process. She asked me to try my best to stick it out and see what I could to, and I told her I had been doing the best I physically could.
As I went to bed I wished and prayed to everything I could think of that the news tomorrow would be better. I had an optimistic feeling that tomorrow I would have a full schedule, so I could say I had at least one. All I needed for a full schedule was 3 houses, and today I had 5, so if only two dropped me I could at least have a full schedule. There’s no way 3 or more would drop me, I mean, I felt like I was in the bottom of the bottom. Could these houses even BE that selective? With the vague knowledge of the process I had I was trying to reason with myself it would be okay.
Day 6:
After another nearly sleepless night, the news was worse than I could’ve imagined. Equipped with a tight black dress and stiletto heels higher than I could walk in, I received my schedule the next morning.
I had two, count ‘em two, houses. My heart shattered and fell out of my body. How can so many people see me as unfit for being a part of their organizations? To top it all off, the ones I had reasoned with myself to be my new number one and number two choices had both dropped me. The number two I kind of saw coming considering I couldn’t even keep my tears at bay there, but the other one was just a pleasant surprise.
Both houses I had left, while full of kind, smart, and unique girls, I knew I couldn’t pledge myself to them. I just knew I would regret it. I flipped my options every which way I could in my head, and unfortunately I just knew I had to leave. I told my mom, aunt and cousin. My mom asked me if I was sure, and my aunt didn’t respond for several days (I thought she was mad at me for giving up for a while, but turns out she wasn’t). My cousin asked me if she could take me to dinner on the Ave, and I said I have a pref ceremony soon but after that I was free for quite a while (perks of having a lame ass schedule).
I made my way to my first house, shakily finding my place in line. I couldn’t deny that this house was nice and the girls were kind and accepting of me. but I still knew in my heart I couldn’t do it. I was the type of person that always went with their gut, and my gut said I had to leave. But, as I had explained to my mom in a text earlier, I wanted to stick it out and go to both of the pref ceremonies I was invited to. Not because I have any hope that I will find a home in one of them, but because it’s seen as rude to skip parties just because you don’t like those houses, and goes on some mysterious ‘record’ Panhellenic supposedly keeps of you. I wasn’t sure I believed it, but I wasn’t about to take my chances. I wanted to be able to join Chi O or another house in the future and as much as I wished I was one of those girls that was so incredibly wanted by houses they could just say “fuck you” to other houses and still get what they wanted, I wasn’t. And it wasn’t like these houses had done anything to me to make me hate them enough to not stick it out, so I couldn’t really see a reason to be a baby and skip out. I wanted to be respectful.
The sorority women that greeted us at my first house announced to the crowd of girls lined up outside the house a little tidbit they knew about the girl that they were welcoming into the house, meeting them with a hug and a flower as they walked inside. It seemed so heartfelt and sweet for talking to these people three times at the most, and while I was pretty shocked at house intricate it was, I appreciated the thought.
A girl stepped forward that I recognized from earlier in the week and said, “I absolutely loved talking about our guilty pleasures of listening to boy bands and our love of traveling. I am so excited to welcome Allyson Reynolds to our pref ceremony.” Everyone clapped and I stepped forward to get my flower. I was ready to start crying right there, because in my head I was like ‘yes, you’re so nice and cute and I’d love to stay here forever and be your friend! Let’s talk more about stupid girl stuff together!” but in my heart I knew I was just here as a guest. I wasn’t going to stay.
We went inside and they conducted a beautiful ceremony of food, songs, speeches about how much their sorority means to them, and all of us walking up one by one to place our flower in a vase, uniting us as a symbolic bouquet of new sisters. For some, this destiny would come true tomorrow morning, for some, it wouldn’t. But, we all shared this experience together regardless, and we all left a small piece of us behind in the house in the form of a flower.
After that, I went to see my RC’s. They were at what they call a "top" house on Greek row and I sat with them outside quietly. The house’s door was propped open, like all the houses are required to do during parties. Out of the house flowed a chorus of girls singing (not very well I might add, but it’s not a very easy song to sing well anyways) My House by Flo Rida, changing a few of the lines to include the name of their sorority in the song. I can’t listen to that song anymore because for some reasons it gives me flashbacks of that day. Similarly, I had a hard time listening to Closer by the Chainsmokers for a while, a song my RC’s loved singing at the top of their lungs on break.
We were all pretty quiet, which I could probably attribute to it being the end of a long week. I remember one of my RC’s asking me how I was doing, and I fully lied, smiling and saying “good!” After that, not much was said.
Eventually, my cousin drove up Greek row to take me to dinner, and I remember seeing her and sprinting across the street to her car, not even watching for oncoming traffic. I wanted nothing more than to be away from this shithole of bad vibes and my RC’s probably thought I was insane sprinting off like some fuckin’ anime character.
She tried to ask me about unrelated things during the brief drive. She knew I was going to quit, and I knew she was going to try to convince me ‘the system works.’
Once we sat down with our food she said “so, how is it going?”
While that was a totally neutral and not at all prying question, I immediately started bawling in a Chipotle booth. Like full on tears were falling into my burrito bowl as my cousin tried fruitlessly to comfort me.
“Whatever you choose, you know, it’ll be okay. I promise it’ll work out.” She said urgently, probably uncomfortable at my sudden meltdown.
“You promised me rush would be fine!” I said, trying to catch tears with my hands before they fell into my guacamole.
“I know,” she said, cringing, “and I’m sorry. I didn't think it would turn out this way. It works out for most people. It’s so complicated though, so many things could’ve happened. I know it isn’t about you.”
“That’s what people have been telling me all day,” I said with disgust, “it's starting to sound like some bullshit to me.”
“No, it's true,” my cousin said, trying to bless me with some her I-already-graduated wisdom. “I’ve had to help with the process so many times, it’s more complicated then you think. And there’s so many girls involved. It’s so hectic for them. It’s not your fault,” she assured.
I sat quietly for a moment, staring at the rice and beans I didn’t eat. A song I love that's by a pretty obscure artist came on the restaurant’s overhead speakers. My cousin saw me perk up and knew I always loved to tell people about my favorite lesser known musicians.
“What is it?”
I sniffled like a fucking baby, “this song is by Christine and the Queens,” I said. “It’s called Tilted and it’s about how as people we’re all a little messed up, we’re all tilted.”
She smiled as I said all of this through ugly tears. “Hey,” she said hopefully, “maybe this is like a good omen and it means you should stay.”
I started sobbing violently at this. “Nooo…” I weeped. “I have to leave!”
“It’s ok,” she said, “you know what’s best.”
After getting my shit together and talking about some unrelated subjects for a while, she drove me to the dorm because I had a long time until my second event.
Once in my room I texted Cara saying I was pretty sure tonight I was going to leave and officially release myself from the process. She asked if we could talk about it in person tonight and I said sure.
As night fell it was time for my second and final pref ceremony. I got my ass up out of bed as much as I didn’t want to and put on my tight ass dress and the heels I basically had to hobble around in. As a tall person I never really had much practice so don’t judge me.
The second house I went to had just as beautiful and sweet of a ceremony as the first. They all graciously called us in and handed us flowers. We had some good food, then we went into a large foyer with white walls and carpet, that they had emptied of all furniture and a small vase sat on a white pedestal in the center. We stood lining the walls next to the girl who greeted us, which was, like the last house, a girl who we had talked to earlier in the week. This time the flowers we all had were various warm, bright colors, and they created a cheery rainbow around the room. There were a few long and heartfelt speeches, all about how much this house had done for them and helped them grow, and the girl I was with started crying. A few of the other sorority women around the room started crying as well, and soon most of them were. To my surprise, as this horrendous week was finally coming to an end, I started crying as well. I didn’t have any houses to go to after this, so I guess it didn’t matter if I ruined my makeup anyways. It was sort of comical in a way, but I still felt awful when the girl I was with looked at me and smiled through her tears. She probably thought I was crying because this ceremony touched me so much and I would run home to her tomorrow. I felt terrible, but it was too late now. I wished so badly that I could join one of these houses that clearly cared so much! But I knew I couldn’t. It just wasn’t right. And that thought in itself made me cry.
It was finally over, and I was released out into the dark of the Seattle summer night. My mom was almost here (she had a hotel for tonight so she could sleep here and come to bid day in the morning, but it looked like that would be going to waste too), and I had texted her telling her to meet me at the library if she wanted. I had to go there to officially leave the process before I could pack up and go home.
Walking to the library I was weirdly calm. Unlike the other nights, I didn’t have any decisions to make. I didn’t have to decide how I was going to order my houses (as if it mattered anyways). All I had to do was tell Cara I had to leave. It sucked because she and the rest of my RC’s had done so much to help me feel more confident and comfortable with the process, and after all that work they put in trying to counsel me it still didn’t work. It really made me feel like shit.
I made sure to get to the library a little late so most of the others had cleared out, had already submitted their lists. I met Cara outside and she looked at me for a second as I fidgeted my feet, terrified, sure she was going to hate me after this. “So?” she said.
“I have to leave,” I said, the tears already building.
“Are you sure?” she said, kindly but seriously. “Let me see your list.”
I handed her my schedule with the two houses on it. She looked at it for longer than it took to read it, thinking.
“So you don’t think you can see yourself in either of these houses? You are positive you wouldn’t accept a bid from them?” I shook my head, ashamed. “Ok, I believe you, but I just want you to be sure. This is the only process that guarantees you a bid. Once you leave, you can try continuous open bidding, but it’s possible that you won't ever get in a house.”
Continuous open bidding (what UW Panhellenic called informal bidding) was a process I had made myself quite familiar with this morning through Panel’s website when I had decided to leave. I had hope for COB, but what she was saying though about me never getting into a house was so intense, I was shaking in my boots. I'm sure they were required to warn us for like legal reasons or something but I honestly didn't know, what if she was right?
“I’m not trying to scare you,” she said honestly, “I just want to make sure you would rather not be in a house at all than be in one of these. Are you sure?”
I knew that my only options were choosing one of these houses or risk never being in one ever, risk losing that part of the college experience that I had daydreamed about for so long. Even knowing this, my answer was still yes.
I nodded, trying my very best to keep the fucking tears in. “I’m sure.”
“Ok,” she said, a kind hand on my shoulder, “let’s go inside and I’ll get the paperwork.”
We walked together inside the library and what I saw shocked me. I thought at this time of the night most people would be back at their dorms, getting their beauty sleep for tomorrow. I was wrong. What I walked into looked like some sort of weird, privileged white girl version of an army hospital. It was like World War Sorority had just started and the library was packed full of trauma from front to back. There was crying girls, people arguing, RC’s looking stressed, and angry parents everywhere. Girls were lamenting about what house they should pick, if they should even still do it, should they choose the house their sister’s in or their best friend’s? Will that top house pick them? What if their mom’s legacy doesn’t choose them? There were tears and frustrations about all sorts of problems. Everyone’s story was different, but one girl’s sadness or anger wasn't invalidated when compared to another's. We are all strong women who chose a difficult and sometimes emotionally traumatic path, and afterwards we will still be strong women who support each other. I had no idea who any of these people were, but my heart hurt for them. The sight made me feel better in the sense that I wasn’t alone. But it terrified me as well, what did me and the rest of these girls choose to subject ourselves to? And is it worth this much stress? If it’s this fucked up in Washington what the fuck is it like in the South?!
Cara and I walked past the mess and up a set of stairs to the second level, which had significantly less people on it but a balcony overlooking the entire first floor (you can never escape the terror). She spotted a girl with a clipboard and asked her for the forms we needed. The girl went to grab them as Cara sat me on a bench. The girl quickly returned with the papers and Cara knelt in front of me.
I got out my pen as she began to explain. “So basically what this contract is saying is you voluntarily removed yourself from recruitment, and you weren’t released by every house.” (I thought that was bullshit because I basically got rejected from every house, but just because there’s at least one left that still counts? I understand why this is important for statistics but it still annoys me.)
After signing in several places she showed me another page with the names of all the houses listed out. “So here you circle all the houses you would COB or accept a snap bid from. Snap bids are SUPER rare, but it basically happens when a house for some reason doesn’t meet their quota, possibly because they were too selective or something, and has to call someone in the middle of the night tonight to give them a bid.”
I was so sad and exhausted, her words were foggy to me. I just said fuck it and circled all the houses I heard were ‘good’ or ‘cool’ or whatever, which of course included Chi O, whether they were a cool house or not, I still didn’t know for sure, but they were my favorite so I didn’t care. Small, slow tears fell down my face as I finished filling out the paperwork. I was basically having to sign like a dozen times saying that I was sure I had to leave. That I was sure I was giving up. That I was sure I didn’t want to be guaranteed a house by Panhellenic anymore. It was horrible and it was hurting me. This was something that I had been dreaming about for a long time, and I completely failed. With shaking hands I finished and handed her the papers.
“Thanks,” she said, smiling softly at me. “It’ll be ok. You know what’s right for you.”
I weakly nodded at her as we stood and walked together back to the main floor. There we were met by Alexa who came up to us with just the kindest, most sympathetic eyes I’d ever seen. “You’re leaving?” she asked. I nodded with fat tears in my eyes and she wrapped me in the biggest, sweetest hug ever. And behind, who approached but my mom.
“Mom!” I said, crying. She walked up to us and I said “This is Cara and Alexa, they’re amazing, they’re my RC’s, they've helped me so much,” I croaked out in between tears.
“She did so amazing,” Alexa said to my mom, “absolutely amazing. I know good things will come for her in the future.”
At this, between Alexa and seeing my tears, my mom started crying. “No, don’t cry! I’ll cry more! No!” I cried, wrapping myself around her.
“She’s strong, I know she’ll be okay.” Cara said with a confident smile. She then began explaining to my mom the process of COB and snap bids and what all my options were. Quickly after this it was time to leave and go pack all my things. I said farewell and profusely thanked these people that had been there for me emotionally for a week out of the kindness of their hearts. On Sunday they were strangers, and today I wasn't sure what I would do without them. Then we were out into the dark campus, on our way back to Haggett.
As we packed my mom wanted to know if we should stay at the hotel she had tonight or just ditch it and go home. I was so wiped, I thought we should just wait until tomorrow to drive home, and then we wouldn't waste the room. As long as I was off this campus I would be fine. So we made our way over to the hotel and my cousin joined us in the hotel too. By the time we got there I was numb, there was no way I could cry anymore. Plus, it was pointless.
There was a large window in the hotel that we opened for air, and I just went over and looked out at Seattle, hating myself. I was so ashamed of myself. I was in disbelief that my college experience had to start out this shitty. I kept joking to my cousin that she should text her house and ask them to give me a snap bid, and she told me she would put in a good word. While that gave me a faux sense of hope, I knew it was pointless.
That night when I went to bed, I switched the ringer on my phone from vibrate to ring, which I think was the first time I've ever done that. As I drifted off to sleep, I hoped and wished that I wouldn’t sleep through the night, that I would be woken up at some ungodly hour by a phone ring and snap bid, but it never rang, and the next time I woke up it was morning.
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