I Have Good Friends

I have good friends. Like I have like REALLY good friends.

I was talking to someone that I had recently met, trying to get to know them more, and at one point in the conversation they started to complain about their friends; how they are not very good at communicating and that they often felt left out or a second thought. This got me thinking about my own friends that I had accumulated in college, and about how I really care about and appreciate them. I think all the time about how lucky I am to have them, and it made me sad to see this person talk that way about their own friends.

So I started thinking about the concept of friendship. I pondered why I engage and tend to my friendships in the way that I do, because that’s obviously a learned behavior. The way that you treat your friendships is something you learn by example either from the people who raised you or through your own experiences with friends.

I heard once that, as you develop into a full-fledged person, you become most like the top 5 people you spend time with. For me that would be my nuclear family plus two of my friends. So when I thought about how I somehow was blessed with and/or deserve such wonderful friends, I thought of my parents, who, growing up, are the two people I probably spent the most time with and learned the most from.

My dad is, in short, an interesting man. As someone who owns his own business and employs many people, he tends to be pretty serious all the time, especially in the office or with anything pertaining to work. People have said they think he's standoffish, or even rude. (This is something I struggle with, a lot of people have told me I look mean, but its not related to any sort of office, it's just because I'm too serious and I look bored in most social situations.) As someone that has a lot of power and is well off because of his business, a lot of people tend to want to be his friend or get to know him or "grab a beer" as men say. But for those same reasons, it makes him very weary when people try to get close to him. He doesn't want people to potentially use him for money, and he also tends to not be buddy buddy with his employees because it can make that employer/employee relationship much more complicated.

For all these reasons, it can look like he doesn't have a lot of friends, but that's quite the opposite. If there's one thing I know definitively about my dad, it's that he has amazing friends. It's true, the number may be small, but it's so respectable to be more of a quality over quantity type of person. Sure, he has loads of 'acquaintances,' probably too many to count, but the smaller number of friends that he does have are probably the most loyal friends in the world.

The friends my dad keeps, many of them he's been friends with for decades. They have years of shenanigans and crazy adventures behind them and their humor matches to a T. I love watching my dad interact with his old friends because I rarely see anyone else make him laugh so much. And even some of the newer ones, they'd still literally do anything for my dad.

I've had my dad's friends outright tell me if anything ever happened to him, they would do anything to help out my mom and us kids. They've said if anything were to ever happen to both my parents, they would literally do anything for my brother and I, like take us in, care for us, whatever. I'm almost sure they would die for my dad if need be. They have said things like this to me or my mom, and they've said them genuinely. This fierce and undying loyalty is not something you often see, and these are the types of friends my father keeps around.

People that are just mediocre humans don't attract and keep friends that are THAT loyal, like friends that would probably donate their last organ to him if he needed it. Not that I didn't already know that my dad is an incredible human, but it's evident through the friends that he keeps that he is very special. My dad's friends regard him so highly and respect him so much, and through this he shows me the kind of person I want to be and the friends I want to keep around.

I often tell people I'm fiercely loyal to my friends because I'm a scorpio or some shit, but the more logical explanation would be that I act because of example. I love my friends so much sometimes I really think I would die for them, and when I was thinking about why this is I realized that not only are both of my parents extremely loyal people, but their friends are extremely loyal to them.

My mom has many amazing friends, that's not a question, but the lessons about friendship I learned from her are different than those I learned from my dad.

My mom is the poster child for "make new friends but keep the old." She has amazing friends she's known as far back as when she was in Kindergarten and as recently as fellow parents she met when I was in high school. I don't think I'm even friends with anyone I met in Kindergarten, let alone a whole ass adult with a family. It's so rare and beautiful to have a friendship that long, and I admire her so much for it. Another one of her best friends was a mother who was our neighbor when we moved into our house when I was one. They became best friends, but after ten-ish years they had to move away, and my mom was gutted. They're still really close friends, and they talk all the time, but here's the gag. A new family moved in next door and my mom is also best friends with THAT mom now.

But here's what we should draw from this. My mom didn't 'replace' our old neighbor with our new neighbor. She didn't replace her friend from Kindergarten with all of her new friends from when she moved to Tumwater. She kept contact with all of them and took care of those relationships; I like to think of it like tending to a flower garden. You don't water some of the flowers, if you do those ones will wilt, a good gardener makes sure to take care and water all of them.

My mom is a social butterfly, she has no shortage of friends, but when I say that I don't mean she just has a ton of shitty friends. She has amazing friends, all kind and caring, and anyone can see that they care about her very much. But, even with so many friends, she doesn't leave the old ones behind as her life grows and changes. I admire so much when she tells me "oh I called so-and-so today, we were on the phone for 3 hours!" This is a quality that only a really good friend and a good just person in general has. I've made great friends in college, but that doesn't mean I don't talk to and still love to hang out with my friends from high school. I may not be as good at keeping in contact with my old friends as she is, and that's definitely something I can work on, but I still view them as my friends, as invaluable people in my life and I'd still be there for them at any time if they needed me, through anything.

And that's another thing, my mom has taught me how to be forgiving. One of the only ways someone can keep so many good friends over such a long period of time is to forgive. She's shown me that you can have fights and you can have conflict with your friends, but you can overcome them. After however long you and your friend may need, you can put your differences aside, and be friends again. My mom and one of her best friends got into a massive fight before my mom's wedding, so bad that they barely made up until just days before the wedding and she was no longer in the wedding party. Sure, they didn't talk for a while, but they moved past that, a huge conflict surrounding a huge life event, and they're still great friends. This kind of relational maintenance takes so much maturity and resilience, things that I myself am still trying to develop.

I used to view friendship as a very cut and dry thing, if someone wronged me, I would cut off all communication with them, and that was it. But this isn't how you develop healthy relationships. I thought by doing this, I would only keep around people that care about me and throw out all the ones that i couldn't trust, but that isn't true. People make mistakes, and in the last few years I've learned that that's ok. If you truly value the friendship, you can communicate with them and say things like "it really hurt my feelings when you did this, and moving forward I would like you to not do it again." If they don't apologize or recognize that they hurt you, opening up the conversation or something along those lines, then you have my permission to say fuck 'em and delete them out of your life. But if they do in fact react like any normal person would and either apologize or start a conversation about what transgressed, you just saved a relationship with someone you really care about. THIS is maturity and THIS is communication.

And don't be fooled, none of us, even the adults in our lives, are perfect at this. Everyone is in a constant state of growing and learning how to be a better friends. If you find yourself really caught up on being angry about something, being mad at someone for a long period of time or saying hurtful things, this doesn't mean you're a shit person, it means you're a human. If they did something wrong, be patient with them. If you did something wrong, apologize. If you both did some fucked up things to each other, open up the conversation and don't be afraid of it, charge into it like you're holding a battering ram.

And having conflict doesn't mean that you aren't friends. I think sometimes people think if there's some sort of fight and then communication is cut off, that's it. When or IF you make up you would be friends again, but as of now you're not friends. To me that's not how it works. If I'm mad or upset with someone, whatever happened doesn't invalidate all of the memories and experiences we share, it doesn't invalidate the love I have for them. And sometimes reaching out is hard, and the silence and the bad feelings can last a while. There was a time where I wasn't talking to some of my best friends for over a year, and eventually I realized my mom thought I was done with them. I had to explain to her that I still 100% regarded them as my friends, and wasn't planning on changing that, but a conversation still had to happen before I started talking to them again. After a year apart we came back together as friends, and things went right back to how they were before, and they told me that that entire time they hadn't considered our friendship over either. And, as this fight largely came about because my battle with my anxiety made me extremely insecure in relationships, they were just waiting for me to heal and to return to them, which is exactly what I did.

And I'm definitely not saying I've saved every friend I've ever had. And to be honest, you aren't supposed to. There's people that have come into my life and the relationship served us for a certain amount of time, and then we had to let each other go for whatever reason. It may have been conflict or differences that couldn't be resolved, or it could've just been that we lost contact slowly. Similar to romantic relationships, if someone is meant to be in your life, they will be. You will both make the effort. If they're not you have to let them go.

Even the most kind, caring, flexible and forgiving individual will not keep every friend they meet, obviously. They may come into your life for 6 months, they may come into your life for 6 years, but if they have to go they have to go. You might be heartbroken and so sad, or you might be angry and never want to see them again. But either way, if it's really their time to leave their life you'll know, and you'll let them go.

And yes, I would be lying if I said I didn't think about the friends that I lost. I wonder what they're doing, what they're up to, if they're happy. I mourn the relationship we had and I think fondly of the time we spent. But, more often then not, it was probably best for the friendship to end, and that's alright.

I am very lucky to have such incredible parents that lead by example and taught me so much about friendships, parents who probably have no idea how positively they're impacting my brother and I. Not everyone's parents are open and vocal about the relationships and conflicts they have with their friends. Some parents/adults don't even really have that many friends, or just don't have friends that they keep in contact with or that their children can tangibly see. They can get caught up in family life, work life, or being involved with children so much that they don't feel the need or have the time to have their own friends or social life. I see it sometime's in my friends' parents and family lives, and it makes me think about how lucky I am to have parents that are so open and emotionally mature, and have their own successful social circles. And I can see through the way that my parents' friends interact with me how much they care for my mom and dad. Because of them I've seen what it's like to be a person with healthy and fulfilling friendships far into adulthood.

But what about my friends?

The people I've been friends with, the people that I'm friends with now, the people that I will be friends with in the future; they've all taught me so much.

My friends have taught me invaluable things about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. My friends know when to meddle and when to leave things alone, they know when to help me and when to let me flounder around on my own. My friends know when to give me their guidance and advice, and they know when it's not necessary and I'll figure it out on my own. The way we support and care for each other is something that can take years of friendship to understand, years of friendship to be on the same wavelength, but for some reason we just get each other.

My friends are caring, they will be there when needed. If any of us were to put out the SOS call, they would be there in whatever way they could, whether it's through Facetime or in person or some other way. My friends can tell the difference between true distress and when you just need a hug or a run to 7-11 for ice cream. They can tell when I'm not talking because that's just me or when I'm not talking because something is really bothering me and I'm being standoffish about it. We often understand what each other needs, and we do a good job of not overdoing it and not under-doing it when it comes to providing guidance and support. And I'm extremely lucky to be able to say that I'm pretty sure that if I voiced to my friends that it was an emergency and I really needed them, they would all come running, and I would do the exact same for them at any moment.

But, most importantly, my friends have taught me how to communicate.

They taught me that communicating is literally everything. They're really isn't anything you can't fix without communication. There is nothing wrong with saying to someone "I need your help with this" or "It really hurt me when you did this." There's nothing wrong with saying "Are you doing ok?" or "What should I do if so-and-so made me feel like this?" There's also nothing wrong with saying "I don't want to talk about it" or "Thank you for being my friend" or "I really like hanging out with you." The power of communication is INVALUABLE and it took me a few years of college to realize that.

Sure, in high school we may have been too immature or too embarrassed or even too emotionally immature to say such things. But, in adulthood, all of those things melt away. The only thing stopping you from saying these goofy ass cliche things is your own pride. Saying simple sentences like this can fix or enrich a friendship (or a romantic relationship) in seconds. It's crazy to me that it can take one sentence or one conversation to increase someone's trust in you or to make someone's day or even week. Yes, I love doing nice things for people, planning things, making things, or buying things for people. There's nothing I get more joy from than seeing someone's face light up because of a gift or an experience. But sometimes the power of just saying something can change the entire path of a relationship.

But, when it comes to daily life and trying to balance school and life and jobs and still make sure we make time for each other, it's really the little things that keep us all unified. Little trips to coffee shops, asking if anyone needs to go to Target, group Starbucks run, listening to throwback jams or staying up and talking about our traumas or philosophy or religion when I should really be in bed because I'm never going to be able to wake up at 9. They go out of their way to make sure I'm included in things or in the know, as they do with all of our other friends, because that's what good friends do. They make sure to invite everyone to something even when they know some of us may not have the energy to go. And when it's something that really matters, like some type of event or show or party that someone put on or is involved in, they all understand and we all collectively make a point to actually show up and support and be dependable, something that college students can struggle with. So many little things keep the friendship flame burning, keep it hot and exciting and alive. Just checking in on each other and seeing how I'm doing, this is true friendship and it gives me goosebumps to think that I've earned such a thing.

Good friends. Truly good, caring and loyal friends. May we have them, may we raise them, may we learn from them, may we teach them, and may we be them.